I've always loved and hated moving somewhere new. I think that starting over will give me the chance to change, to be someone else, to have new friends and maybe find some love. But it's never that easy. The charm of a new city and a new house and new streets wears off as soon as everything beautiful has been photographed and seen and shared on Facebook. Then comes the dry spell of weekends, trying to figure out if anyone really would care whether or not I wanted to hang out or do something together. It's quiet for the first few weekends. And lonely. And loveless.
People always assume that they have enough friends and come to find some kind of comfort spot where they are no longer attentive or open to new people. Meeting new people becomes a time filler, not a purposeful task. And I don't blame them. Finding friends is fucking tiring and difficult. Not only do you need to like another person, but they have to like you. And then you have to have the guts to show interest in that person. The same goes for dating for me, but to a much more vulnerable extent. Which is probably why I find it difficult to find dates. This is not a whiny post about how people make it difficult for other people to find friends. No. This is a post about the constant struggle to find human connection, and what you have to be willing to risk in order to find it.
You have to risk not being liked back. This is hard for people to accept. The idea that other people don't like you is one of the toughest to weather. But yet it happens. All the time. And of course you think to yourself that you are not un-likeable - so why do some people not like you? It's human nature. And there will be times when you like someone, but they won't like you back. You will risk showing them that you like them. They will then have to find a way to politely reject you.
You have to risk putting out something personal in the open. How do friends go from being "just friends" to "good friends" or best friends? In my case, it's been times when I've trusted someone enough to let them know how I truly feel in the moment. And about some of the shit I've dealt with in the past. Maybe some shit that I'm still dealing with - either way, it's a vulnerable spot to be in. So much about acceptance comes from understanding where the other person is coming from. If you don't get their issues, then you won't be able to fully accept them. And that is a barrier to making a friendship stronger. Again, this is a naturally occurring problem that is no one's fault, but yet it is such a sad, fragile part of finding friendship.
You have to risk being jealous. Your friends are dear to you, and yet sometimes you can't be entirely happy for them, even when you want to, because somehow you are jealous of where they're at in their lives. If you want to be someone's good friend, you need to muster the willpower to get over yourself and truly feel happy for them, even if you are jealous. The effort is what counts. And sometimes, you need to be willing to let your problems sit and wait if they are dealing with something worse. This shit isn't easy. But it is necessary.
I don't want to lecture at anyone on how to be a good friend. I feel like there are so many different ways to be a good friend. But I will encourage you to keep the friends you have. Stay in touch with them. Because you never know when you're going to want to call them up on a lonely weekend when you are in a new, strange place, trying to figure shit out.
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