I've always loved and hated moving somewhere new. I think that starting over will give me the chance to change, to be someone else, to have new friends and maybe find some love. But it's never that easy. The charm of a new city and a new house and new streets wears off as soon as everything beautiful has been photographed and seen and shared on Facebook. Then comes the dry spell of weekends, trying to figure out if anyone really would care whether or not I wanted to hang out or do something together. It's quiet for the first few weekends. And lonely. And loveless.
People always assume that they have enough friends and come to find some kind of comfort spot where they are no longer attentive or open to new people. Meeting new people becomes a time filler, not a purposeful task. And I don't blame them. Finding friends is fucking tiring and difficult. Not only do you need to like another person, but they have to like you. And then you have to have the guts to show interest in that person. The same goes for dating for me, but to a much more vulnerable extent. Which is probably why I find it difficult to find dates. This is not a whiny post about how people make it difficult for other people to find friends. No. This is a post about the constant struggle to find human connection, and what you have to be willing to risk in order to find it.
You have to risk not being liked back. This is hard for people to accept. The idea that other people don't like you is one of the toughest to weather. But yet it happens. All the time. And of course you think to yourself that you are not un-likeable - so why do some people not like you? It's human nature. And there will be times when you like someone, but they won't like you back. You will risk showing them that you like them. They will then have to find a way to politely reject you.
You have to risk putting out something personal in the open. How do friends go from being "just friends" to "good friends" or best friends? In my case, it's been times when I've trusted someone enough to let them know how I truly feel in the moment. And about some of the shit I've dealt with in the past. Maybe some shit that I'm still dealing with - either way, it's a vulnerable spot to be in. So much about acceptance comes from understanding where the other person is coming from. If you don't get their issues, then you won't be able to fully accept them. And that is a barrier to making a friendship stronger. Again, this is a naturally occurring problem that is no one's fault, but yet it is such a sad, fragile part of finding friendship.
You have to risk being jealous. Your friends are dear to you, and yet sometimes you can't be entirely happy for them, even when you want to, because somehow you are jealous of where they're at in their lives. If you want to be someone's good friend, you need to muster the willpower to get over yourself and truly feel happy for them, even if you are jealous. The effort is what counts. And sometimes, you need to be willing to let your problems sit and wait if they are dealing with something worse. This shit isn't easy. But it is necessary.
I don't want to lecture at anyone on how to be a good friend. I feel like there are so many different ways to be a good friend. But I will encourage you to keep the friends you have. Stay in touch with them. Because you never know when you're going to want to call them up on a lonely weekend when you are in a new, strange place, trying to figure shit out.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Stereotypes: Knowing where to stop laughing
After watching the movie The Other Woman, I realized something. We need to change the way characters are depicted in comedies. Not just rom coms - but all movies - although rom coms and comedies do have a bad track record for stock characters and stereotypes. Stereotypes are, to some degree, harmless, but we need to question what they are making fun of - and why these stereotypes are funny to us.
Let's start with the "dumb blonde." It's 2014, and we all "know" that the "dumb blonde" is just a stupid stereotype. But do we? I have the feeling that maybe, in a way, our society "creates" dumb blondes. Blonde girls who are depicted so routinely as clueless, cute, happy-go-lucky, carefree and chic no doubt have an influence on blonde girls watching these movies. Some may react with outrage, some with lesser degrees of frustration, but the worst is for those blonde girls who are actually LAUGHING at a stock character that is representing THEM, based on nothing more than hair colour. In The Other Woman, the character of Amber is the stereotypical "dumb blonde" who can do nothing but flaunt her double Ds, get distracted easily, and look cute. And I say: What. The. Hell. You would think they'd make her character more genuine. More real.
Next up, skinny pale men who are computer nerds and are socially awkward. Let's call this one "the geek." We're always told that stereotypes are based on something true. OK, so let's say that there is a tendency for "the geek" to be male, socially awkward, and skinny and pale. Let's say they have a tendency to love computer tech, role-playing games, and video games. And as a society, we make fun of their identity. Their love for computers, or role playing games, or whatever the hell it is they are into. Does it matter? Should we have the power to make them feel ridiculous based on what they like? Are their hobbies somehow stupid and ridiculous to us? Why?
Or how about the foreigner with the accent who plays one of two roles: shallow love interest OR clueless, ridiculous tourist. Let's call this one "the foreigner." You can tell who "the foreigner" is either by physical appearance or accent or behaviour. And usually, "the foreigner" is supposed to be laughed at. In Agent Cody Banks, the Mandarin-accented driver's ed teacher does nothing but yell at Cody like a maniac, puke all over himself, and exit the scene. In James Bond, the number of love interests with exotic accents (and boobs) enter into Bond's life, only to be killed off tragically. Just a butterfly for Bond to have sex with. Or let's not forget the character of Gael from How I Met Your Mother. Foreigners need more respect than this in our movies and TV shows. How are we supposed to treat real people with the respect they deserve if all we've ever done is laughed at caricatures of them portrayed in our movies?
I think comedies and rom coms could do better than this. They could actually use funny material that is clever. That is REAL. That doesn't rely on the existence and use of stock characters that border on ridiculous.
Let's start with the "dumb blonde." It's 2014, and we all "know" that the "dumb blonde" is just a stupid stereotype. But do we? I have the feeling that maybe, in a way, our society "creates" dumb blondes. Blonde girls who are depicted so routinely as clueless, cute, happy-go-lucky, carefree and chic no doubt have an influence on blonde girls watching these movies. Some may react with outrage, some with lesser degrees of frustration, but the worst is for those blonde girls who are actually LAUGHING at a stock character that is representing THEM, based on nothing more than hair colour. In The Other Woman, the character of Amber is the stereotypical "dumb blonde" who can do nothing but flaunt her double Ds, get distracted easily, and look cute. And I say: What. The. Hell. You would think they'd make her character more genuine. More real.
Next up, skinny pale men who are computer nerds and are socially awkward. Let's call this one "the geek." We're always told that stereotypes are based on something true. OK, so let's say that there is a tendency for "the geek" to be male, socially awkward, and skinny and pale. Let's say they have a tendency to love computer tech, role-playing games, and video games. And as a society, we make fun of their identity. Their love for computers, or role playing games, or whatever the hell it is they are into. Does it matter? Should we have the power to make them feel ridiculous based on what they like? Are their hobbies somehow stupid and ridiculous to us? Why?
Or how about the foreigner with the accent who plays one of two roles: shallow love interest OR clueless, ridiculous tourist. Let's call this one "the foreigner." You can tell who "the foreigner" is either by physical appearance or accent or behaviour. And usually, "the foreigner" is supposed to be laughed at. In Agent Cody Banks, the Mandarin-accented driver's ed teacher does nothing but yell at Cody like a maniac, puke all over himself, and exit the scene. In James Bond, the number of love interests with exotic accents (and boobs) enter into Bond's life, only to be killed off tragically. Just a butterfly for Bond to have sex with. Or let's not forget the character of Gael from How I Met Your Mother. Foreigners need more respect than this in our movies and TV shows. How are we supposed to treat real people with the respect they deserve if all we've ever done is laughed at caricatures of them portrayed in our movies?
I think comedies and rom coms could do better than this. They could actually use funny material that is clever. That is REAL. That doesn't rely on the existence and use of stock characters that border on ridiculous.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Wearing whatever you want: don't advertise it if you're not selling it
Hello ladies all over the world. How many times have you heard the line "Wear whatever the fuck you want!" with reasonable feminist anger behind it? I get it, women have agency. And we should be able to wear what we want and not have to worry about "tempting" men or whatever other sexist side effects and comments that come from our choice of wardrobe.
But let's face it: clothing is a part of our identity. You wear what you feel will best suit you. And you are sending people messages with your clothing. Tight pants and a fedora? Hipster. Dreads and tie-dye? Hippy. Doc Martens and plaid skirt? Preppy. I hate to make generalizations, but people do this all the time. They just do. They look at you, and then they sum you up. So what kind of message do you think you are sending when you are wearing a low-cut tight dress to the bar? Do you think people will think you are just there to dance and have a great time with your friends? Partially, maybe. But remember that clothing is a performance, and that every time you go out, dressed in anything, you are performing an identity. That low-cut tight dress - did you buy it for you, or did you buy it to impress others? Maybe a combination of both, who knows? Because all that ends up mattering, regarding how you are treated, is what others think of your performance. It's a terrible and harsh reality. But there it is.
I believe in giving your body the respect it deserves. Everyone's notion of respecting their own body differs, depending on what your values are. Are you offended by men staring at your half-exposed boobs as you gyrate on the dance floor? My next question is: why are you offended? If getting looks from others was not part of the reason you wore what you did, and if accentuating your breasts was not something you intended to do, then I would suggest opting for a less revealing article of clothing. There are lots of flattering clothes out there that will accentuate your body, but send a different message. Personally, I would hate to have my body looked at as simply a piece of meat out on a dance floor. Some people will look at you that way regardless of what you wear. But speaking as a woman who is usually not interested in other women's boobs, I still find that I can't help but look at the exposed breasts of someone dressed in a low-cut top, even if just for a second. If your intention was to draw gazes to your chest, then great, you've accomplished your mission. But don't get offended if other people look. That's what you put them out there for, right?
All I'm trying to say is: Yes, you CAN wear whatever the fuck you want. But do so intelligently. Purposefully. And know exactly what kind of message you are sending out there when you put on your next party frock.
But let's face it: clothing is a part of our identity. You wear what you feel will best suit you. And you are sending people messages with your clothing. Tight pants and a fedora? Hipster. Dreads and tie-dye? Hippy. Doc Martens and plaid skirt? Preppy. I hate to make generalizations, but people do this all the time. They just do. They look at you, and then they sum you up. So what kind of message do you think you are sending when you are wearing a low-cut tight dress to the bar? Do you think people will think you are just there to dance and have a great time with your friends? Partially, maybe. But remember that clothing is a performance, and that every time you go out, dressed in anything, you are performing an identity. That low-cut tight dress - did you buy it for you, or did you buy it to impress others? Maybe a combination of both, who knows? Because all that ends up mattering, regarding how you are treated, is what others think of your performance. It's a terrible and harsh reality. But there it is.
I believe in giving your body the respect it deserves. Everyone's notion of respecting their own body differs, depending on what your values are. Are you offended by men staring at your half-exposed boobs as you gyrate on the dance floor? My next question is: why are you offended? If getting looks from others was not part of the reason you wore what you did, and if accentuating your breasts was not something you intended to do, then I would suggest opting for a less revealing article of clothing. There are lots of flattering clothes out there that will accentuate your body, but send a different message. Personally, I would hate to have my body looked at as simply a piece of meat out on a dance floor. Some people will look at you that way regardless of what you wear. But speaking as a woman who is usually not interested in other women's boobs, I still find that I can't help but look at the exposed breasts of someone dressed in a low-cut top, even if just for a second. If your intention was to draw gazes to your chest, then great, you've accomplished your mission. But don't get offended if other people look. That's what you put them out there for, right?
All I'm trying to say is: Yes, you CAN wear whatever the fuck you want. But do so intelligently. Purposefully. And know exactly what kind of message you are sending out there when you put on your next party frock.
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