So here is what I just read today: Nicki Daniels's offensive "letter" to bearded hipsters. And her equally offensive "apology." Nicki claims that men who grow beards just to get the "look" of being masculine without actually being masculine should stop growing beards. Because she likes her men REAL. And a REAL man is symbolized through the presence of a BEARD. Wow. Great reason for hating on bearded guys who also like to wear bowties and sip lattes. While Nicki's post is disturbing (because she is pretty much telling men that in order to be "real" men they need to learn how to change tires and use a wrench), I find some of the backlash to her post just as disturbing.
The more I hear and read the word "patriarchy," the more I have to stifle my gag reflex. While the idea of a patriarchy is completely accounted for and explained, I have issues with the way it's used to back a virulent agenda of blaming. Shaming and blaming. This is what the whole battle of sexism has come to: shaming and blaming. And although many feminists do cloak their anger under a facade of reason and amicability, you know that the moment a feminist asks you about your stance on feminism, you had better fucking say you're totally for it. Otherwise? Judgment. Shaming. Condescension.
And what is so wrong about questioning and refusing labels, now that we've come to this whole topic? What if Nicki Daniels stopped trying to label men, and what if deluded feminists stopped trying to label people as either "feminist" or "misogynist?" I'm going to come out and say it: I HATE the word "feminism." And I would hate calling myself a feminist. Why? Maybe I'm being picky, but I tend to look at all the levels of nuance in the meaning of a word. "Feminist" does not say "Hey, I'm comfortable with my gender and I am proud of who I am, and I don't believe in gender or sex discrimination" - no - rather, it says, "Hey, I think women are oppressed and that men and women alike need to admit how oppressed women are and that women are important; it's all about women." Generalizations like "we live in a patriarchy" ANGER me because it seems like a cop-out - a way to explain the struggles of all women, everywhere. I would rather hear statements like "What you just said is sexist." It tackles sexism on a case-to-case basis. It doesn't exaggerate the problem. And it doesn't, in turn, become a problem that tries to fight the problem.
Wait a minute, you might say, so you're trying to tell us that you DON'T think we live in a world that privileges men? My answer to that is: in many cases, I think that women are at a disadvantage, yes. But I wouldn't go so far as to generalize that every aspect of our lives privileges men. In fact, in some cases, I think the reverse is true. Now, am I saying that therefore, we shouldn't have to worry about striving for equal rights and treatment? Absolutely not. What I AM saying, though, is that we need to calm the fuck down. Angry words and name-calling and finger pointing are things that a five-year-old does before they know any better. If you are getting behind the banner of feminism, then do it for the right reason. And get behind the right banner, for starters. Some feminists have no clue what untold damage they're doing. Having an identity is important, I know, but that identity doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing. Just like human sexuality, you can get behind an idea or movement to varying degrees of acceptance.
I was once told by a friend that an "egalitarian" is just another label for people who are against the feminist agenda. We supposedly perpetuate the hierarchy of the (*gag*) "patriarchy." But I have no shame in saying that if you wanted to give me a label, I'd take "egalitarian" way before I'd take "feminist." But let's just be honest. I wouldn't take either. You know my position. Don't be afraid to tell others your position. And don't be ashamed just because you don't have a label for it. Be comfortable in the grey.
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